Malcomb Middlin'
by Pirate Bob
Summary: Arrr...Malcomb as ye ne'er saw 'im afore. Pirates and mutinees. The best little yarn ever done for this vomitous television show, also known as Malcomb in the Middle.
1. Malcomb Meets the Monster

_Mateys, if ye came 'ere expectin' somethin' great, i have to say, this was me very first yarn I ever posted! If ye detect some breaks in the current, I apologize, but this story stinks like rotten fish. I kno, I kno, I've been told aboot it several times by well-meaning and self-conscious writers. I only hope I can live up to their expletives, I mean, their expectations. I am so thankful to ye all fer telling me how much me first try really and truly sucked. I'll try harder next time. And by the way, in case ye were misled, I don't own the sorry little shrimp--Malcom--tho I been expectin' to find 'im washed up on the beach any day where I can pick 'im up and sell 'im on the high seas fer money to buy bait with. Arrr..._

**Malcomb's Favorite Fish Wish**

**New Sentence:** Malcom and 'is friends got to "pirate land" by being naughty. (Thank ye, rouge-vixxen-o-deception19, fer the pointers.)

The Jolly Green Giantess crashed through the waves after the indifferent waves of the ocean. It was getting dark and the boys were still searching for their mortal enemy. When suddenly…

"Thar be that narwhal that sunk the Epitome! Heave ho, Mateys, for we'll all end with supper 'fore the day be through!"

It was Malcomb the Middle Midget, screaming at his nearest of kin. Young Jessie Middlestead jumped up from the oars and cracked him in the jaw.

"Speak to me like that again and I'll land ya in the drink, ya old billy goat," said Jessie Middlestead.

"Poor Middly," murmurred therest of the group. They had all had it with the elder boy's attitude and wanted to bail.

"Let's keel haul the old goat," they said under their breath to one another.

Ah, but then the Narwhal came up and eyed their dinghy. For the giant beast made them look small indeed, though sails were a good thrity five feet and fully unfurled and filled with wind to the brim.

It gave the boys a scare.

Malcomb the Midget bit his thumb and began to cry. With that, the other boys grapped him and threw him onto the Narwhal's horn. He eyed them sadly as he sunk beneath the waves, evermore the hood ornament of the giant beast. It would be a sad lesson to the little pirate. Malcomb had gotten his most favorite wish, to always lead and not be the middly guy anymore.

**Well, tell me what you think. Is it good, Mateys? Or bad? Forty Lashes for a bad review, arrrrr….**


	2. Trouble in the Wading Pool

_Arrr, I thought ye'd like ta read a little more of the tale of Malcomb's Disaster. I do not claim ownership of the SS Minnow or any of the characters of Gilligan's Island er Malcomb._

**Fat Tony's Ballroom Crusade**

Next, the other boys grapped Jessie Middlestead and threatened to pitch him, Jonah-fashion, into the drink, but 'e won their approval by cracking a witty joke at the last moment about the look on Malcomb's face when 'e saw the horn sticking through 'is belt-line. The boys set 'im down again unharmed. But they promised ta put 'im ashore at the next island of cannibals they came to. And so Jessie sat still and thought grimly about his plight and how 'e should escape.

By and by, along came the S.S. Minnow with Gilligan and the crew aboard. They asked if the boys wanted to have the leftovers of their after-dinner salads because they were too full from their suppers to enjoy them and the boys looked a little pequod in the sun. Of course the boys were all starving and had been for days. They were all ready to give up their oars fer the treat, but then Jessie saw 'is chance.

"'Course we don't want yer salads!" said 'e.

The other boys looked on 'im with anger and were just beginning to make designs to eat 'im then and there, when Jessie spoke again and changed their minds.

"A course, we'll rather board ye and plunder yer treasuries!" shouted Jessie.

The other boys realized their error and cried out as one "Yeah, heave to, ye big fatso!" (fer the skipper had come out to see what Gilligan and Mrs. Howell were talking of).

The skipper ran to the helm and boiled the waters behind the vessel. The Minnow scooted out a their reach and the boys were left ta quarrel over the bit of spinach Mary Ann had tossed to them.

Jessie Middlestead said, "I say we use that spinach ta catch us a fish!"

But Reese would have none of it. He said, "I say we use Jessie ta catch us a fish!"

So they fell upon him with their knives…


	3. Enveloping The Golden Aura of Malcomb

_Well, Matey's ye've survived the voyage ta this chaptre. Let me know if ye think I should end this wonderful yarn here or continue on with the excrement, I mean the excitement. I'm sure I could continue if ye'd like..._

**INTA the Fryin' Pan and Outa the FIRE!**

It was long past midnight and Jessie Middlestead was alone in the life raft. The youngin' had managed to kill and eat every last one of the others. Them and their knives, har! It was not a thing 'e was exactly proud o', but as 'e picked his teeth with a splinter of bone from Reese's shin, 'e decided it was better to be a survivor than a goner. Arrr, it wouldn't' 'ave appened if they'd just been a bit nicer.

He tossed the shin bone o'er 'is shoulder and closed 'is eyes. When 'e opeend 'em again 'e was indeed surprisd ta see Malcomb seated before him across the raft. Jessie sat up and rubbed 'is eyes.

What was Malcomb doin' 'ere? Hadn't they tossed 'im onta that Narwhal? But when 'e unclenched his eyelids, there the wee one sat.

Malcomb blinked. And then 'e burped. "Excuse me," 'e said, ne'er takin' 'is eyes from Jessie's. Except for the time when 'e blinked, but that didn't really count.

"Malcomb, what are ye doin' on this life raft?"

Malcomb blinked again and smiled. "This isn't a life raft," said 'e.

Jessie Middlestead looked about 'im. It was too a life raft. And 'e ought ta know, he'd been on it fer weeks now. Why was Malcomb smilin' like that fer?

"This is so a life raft," said Jessie, feeling superior as usual.

"No, it is not."

"Yes it is. What is it then, if it isn't a life raft?"

"This," whispered Malcomb…and 'e began ta vanish inta thin air, "is a death raft. Boohoohoowahahahah…"

"Hey where'd ye go? Hey come back 'ere and say that again. I'll learn ye."

Malcomb reappeared and said it a time or two more. Jessie tried ta get up but 'is stomach was too full. Finally, he just told Malcomb that he wasn't real and that Jessie didn't care what 'e said, because living people are always right and dead people are known ta be hallucinations, or liars, or both, and that their vote don't count in the polls or the elections anyway.

Well, maybe not the polls. Jessie closed 'is eyes and tried ta ignor the little peevish one, but it seemed like 'e could see Malcomb through 'is eyelids. Malcomb wasn't disappearing so easily this time.

"I don't keer what ye say, I'm a survivor, and survivors kin eat people if they are hungry. It's the law."

"So? This is still a death raft, not a life raft."

They argued a while back and forth until Malcomb finally irritated Jessie into insanity and the Middlestead kid up and jumped o'er board ta get away from him.

"This is great," said Malcomb. "now I've got the whole life raft to meself."

Ar har har har har har har!


	4. Jessie Seals A Deal

**Malcomb Devastates the Homecoming**

"Three cheers for our boys!" shouted Hal. 'E 'ad spied the beleaguered little raft on the 'orizon from 'is perch 'igh atop the Coast Guard Cutter, _U.S.S. Porkchop._

"What do you see, Hal? What is it?" It was Lois, the snobby old woman who called Malcomb 'er second born. "Can you see Reese?"

"Reese?" said Hal, frownin'. "No, not exactly." The man put a hand ta 'is forehead ta shield 'is eyes. "I don't see anyone movin'."

The great craft sped toward the floating yellow dinghy while Lois wrung 'er 'ands and prayed. Hal came down ta 'er level and they 'eld each other while the sailors prepared ta send some medics down ta inspect the craft.

A scream of dismay echoed back up to those on deck. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"

"Get a hold of yourself!" said the other medic below 'em, slappin' the man's face a time or two.

"Stop slappin' me!" said the first one.

"It was for your own good"

"So?"

"So, you should be thankin' me instead of cryin' like a girl."

The captain leaned o'er the gunwale and called ta 'is men, "Hey, what's goin' on down theer, mates? What're ye fussin' aboot?"

"Sorry, Captain Bob!" came one of the voices back up to those on the deck. "It's just that this raft is full of human skeletons and boy's clothing. I don't know what came over us. It was a bit of a chill, and then we just started talking like pesty kids."

"That be the way it begins!" cried the Captain. "That little raft is haunted with the spirits of at least one of those lads. Maybe all of 'em." He spun around and began issuin' orders. "Heave ho, Mates! We must shove off afore we're boarded by ghosts!"

Hal and Lois broke from one another's grasps. "What do you mean!" said Lois, "We aren't going to leave that raft down there just because of a few bones, are we?"

Captain Bob just looked at 'er askance and continued gesturin' fer 'is underlings ta obey 'im.

Hal took up the gauntlet. "Captain, we beg you, at least let us bring the raft up for inspection. There could be some clues as to what happened to our boys."

"I hate ta be the one ta tell ye this," said the old pirate, fer that is what 'e was in truth. This was just a summer job fer 'im while 'e took a sabbatical from piracy fer a season. "…Yer boys 'ave gone an' killed an' eaten each other. I've seen it all afore."

Hal gulped and Lois looked disgusted. "Our boys would never do that!" Then she thought of Reese and had to pause fer a second.

The pirate took the moment ta continue 'is lecture. "First, there's the lack of food, and the 'ot sun begins a witherin' their minds. The wee-est one's be always the first ta go. Uh, that'd probably be yer little shrimp, Malcomb, since 'e was one a the smaller one's. Then, uh, there be the lack of water, fer ye see, me darlin', the sea she is plentiful, but ye can't drink a drop o' 'er lest ye turn inta a lad-shaped salt lick."

Hal and Lois stared at the captain and then at each other. What in the world was this man talkin' aboot? An' why was 'e speakin' like a pirate that way fer? Maybe 'e really did know what 'e was sayin' after all. They bit their tongues, though Lois chanced another peek o'er the rail at the two medics who were now frantically clutchin' at one another's throats and hopping up an' down on the yellow raft. Their eyes were fixed on Lois' and they seemed ta be screamin' silently, "Don't leave us 'ere! Don't leave us 'ere!"

"…Next," said the pirate captain, "they go ta drawin' straws ta see who'll be the next ta give up 'is flesh fer the others ta live—all the while not realizin' that the meat, which'll be dry already from evaporation, won't afford 'em the satisfaction that they crave."

Lois and Hal shrunk from the pirate into one another's quiverin' arms. The man was beginnin' ta skeer 'em a bit, and 'ere they'd only been a lookin' fer their lost two boys and their nephew, Jessie.

"Help! Help me!"

A gurglin' cry reached everyone's ears and all hands moved ta the other side o' the cutter ta see what the event was aboot. An exclamation of joy broke from Hal's parched lips. "It's Jessie! Jessie Middlestead!"

They hauled the lad up and brought 'im aboard. 'E was treated fer exposure and paranormal delusions.

* * *

"Bleaah! Get that thing outa me mouth!" shouted Jessie.

And the ship's doctor wrenched the thermometer free. 'E got up and stomped away. It had already been a bad day, leavin' behind two of his best medics all because the ship's "captain_"_ 'ad declared them quarantined until a proper exorcism could be "accomplished."

Hal and Lois were there. "What happened to Reese and Malcomb?" They asked. So Jessie told them everything, except that he left out all the important parts like his throwing Malcomb to the Narwhal and then killing all the other boys and eating them.

"You poor, poor survivor," said Lois. And Hal 'ugged him, all a tearied-eyed, too. "Will ye be our new and best son?" said Hal.

"Well…" said Jessie. "What about Francis and Dewey?"

"Oh, Francis doesn't count," said Lois.

"And Dewey. 'E won't be any trouble for ye," said Hal. "Ye can step on 'im if 'e irritates ye. What d'ye say? Is it a deal?"

"Why are ye talkin' like a pirate?" said Jessie, lookin' from Lois ta Hal.

"Arrr," said Lois, "we be haunted parents, that's all. No need ta worry, me lad."

And with that, Jessie Middlestead ran from their midst, screamin', "Yo ho ho and a barrel of red-rum!" and then leaped from the ship into the ocean and was ne'er seen or 'eard from again.

But the lost spirits o' the boys floated around restlessly on the sea until they all washed up at Coney Island and took up residence on the ferris wheel. Malcomb led the somber little group as they teased and worried all the fun-seekers. It was a good life, in…

**The End.**


End file.
